I wish I could write Stanley* a little manual on how to love me, especially this week, because he’s being so lame and Valentine’s Day is coming, and it’s making me feel insecure. My manual would have four simple steps and they would read something like this:
1) Buy/Find me trivial, meaningless gifts
Kind of like the ones I always get you, remember those? You throw them on your bookshelf or in your backpack, which is fine, but look a little closer at the action of my giving them to you. I obviously enjoy giving them so… (it means I would love to receive some too. Duh.) I enjoy little plants and flowers, books, candles, stickers, etc…. At this point if you gave me a piece of gum I would gush.
2) Stand up when you see me
I realize that you think you’re pleasing me when you reach your arms out and say “come here” and I come over, but you just lay there in the same position. All that does is make me feel subordinate because you have to lure me down towards you and give you a one-armed hug while I have barely two centimeters of the edge of the couch to balance my entire body. Just stand up and hug me with two arms, that’s all.
3) Ask me about the things I’m interested in…
… even if they don’t interest you. The fact that you tried to pick my brain, just a little, means you think I still have one. If you asked me even a stupid question about my band or my opinion on something you’re doing, it would mean that you don’t only think of me when you’re hungry or horny.
4) Tell me I’m pretty
Sometimes I feel like you’re checking out ever other woman on the street. You must think I don’t notice your wandering eye. Not that you’re the only man I notice in this world. I look, too, but not when I’m with you. You did tell me I was pretty the first week we started dating, it’s been a year now–I kinda need to hear it again.
* Name changed for obvious reasons — I mean, I can’t actually tell him this stuff. So pass it on to your best friend’s boyfriend or anyone else. And remember boys, a sure fire way to get a blowjob every day is to simply go down on your lady each morning. Voila.
Originally published in Red Hot + Bothered Vinyl Sleeve
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